On My Ongoing Nausea Concerning Avril Lavigne

This is what I wrote in 2007 regarding the debut of Avirl Lavigne’s video for ‘Girlfriend’:

To be succinct: This video makes me want to kill myself.

That’s not a euphemism.

I don’t want to live in a world where this sort of thing exists, and gets snapped up by drooling disciples whose memories are too short to realize this video is everything she posited herself as the antithesis of in 2002. It has a dance number, for chrissakes.

And this is not subversive, so don’t hand me that. If it was subversive, she’d put on pants and stop whoring herself. So why don’t we just cut out the cheezy ‘stick it to the preps’ narrative and go all the way, baby? Cause there’s already a brigade of 17-year-olds jerking off on your virtual fishnets as I write this. May as well give ’em their money’s worth.

You would think time would soften this rather harsh appraisal.  It might have, had Avril never released another video.

God, I am loathe to even have that abomination on my site. Take a moment to watch that turd.  The problems I had with ‘Girlfriend’ are still present in ‘What the Hell’ but there are two additional aspects that are even more troubling.

Product Placement
Let’s count them down, never forgetting this entire video is three minutes and forty-six seconds!

  1. Adidas sneakers.
  2. Sony Vaio laptop.
  3. Sony Bravia flatscreen television
  4. Her eponymous perfume
  5. Her clothing line
  6. Sony Ericsson HD Camera

Jesus Christ. This from a girl who’s selling herself as a punk?  This from a girl who trashed the mall in her first video?  So, you want the kids to trash the mall, or buy everything in it?  Not like I’ve been paying close enough attention, but it’s my hope that the video channels, with their policies of not airing videos that serve as adverts [ie Nelly’s ‘Air Force 1’s’] passed on this steamer, it’s not much better.

Total Lack of Artistic Growth
“Girlfriend’ came out in 2007.  It is now four years later, and  this is the exact same song.  How sad is that?  For all their faults, in a pop culture climate with Rihanna, Gaga, Katy Perry and even [shudder] Ke$ha pushing boundaries in their songs and videos, it just feels like our Avril’s stuck in some 2005-era timewarp.  There’s absolutely no relevance there.  But it occurs to me, she probably doesn’t care.

I was at work the other day and saw a girl with the porkpie hat, torn black jeans, hipster glasses, filthy Chuck Taylors, spiked leather cuffs…

And Coach purse.

And this is why Avril will always have a career.

Canadian Snark Goddess Lainey Gossip pointed this out about a week before I figured it out:  Avril’s fans don’t age with her, by the time they go to college, they’ve abandoned her.  So she cranks out a new slab of processed pop-punk and flips the bird, continually mining one of humanity’s few fully renewable resources: 14-year-old girls.  So good on her, I suppose.

Now let us never speak of her again.

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